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May 29, 2007 20:00:12 GMT -5
Post by sisser on May 29, 2007 20:00:12 GMT -5
:lmao:
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Jun 1, 2007 15:22:20 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Jun 1, 2007 15:22:20 GMT -5
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Edna
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Jun 2, 2007 13:49:58 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Jun 2, 2007 13:49:58 GMT -5
LOL SJ - good things come to those who wait! ;D
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Jun 4, 2007 21:51:41 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Jun 4, 2007 21:51:41 GMT -5
Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second,"If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?
" The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."
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Jun 8, 2007 16:15:10 GMT -5
Post by limey on Jun 8, 2007 16:15:10 GMT -5
Goodevening Chaps and Chapesses..............
A rich Yorkshireman goes into a Jewellers and asks for a gold statue making of his dog, Eighteen carrot, says the jeweller, no says the Yorkshireman.... chewing a bone ... ;D ;D ;D
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Jun 8, 2007 18:15:19 GMT -5
Post by Expatriate on Jun 8, 2007 18:15:19 GMT -5
:lmao:
Oh, that was soooo British. Thanks for the giggle....
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Wolfman
HMFIC
Baddest Wolf
HHHOOOWWWLLLL
Posts - 4,781
Likes - 23
Joined - February 2005
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JOKES
Jun 8, 2007 18:18:47 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Jun 8, 2007 18:18:47 GMT -5
It was, wasn't it! LOL
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Jun 9, 2007 15:38:08 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Jun 9, 2007 15:38:08 GMT -5
Goodevening Chaps and Chapesses.............. A rich Yorkshireman goes into a Jewellers and asks for a gold statue making of his dog, Eighteen carrot, says the jeweller, no says the Yorkshireman.... chewing a bone ... ;D ;D ;D Limey!! Good to see you - welcome to the Hideaway!
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Jun 9, 2007 20:53:47 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Jun 9, 2007 20:53:47 GMT -5
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Jun 11, 2007 4:31:26 GMT -5
Post by limey on Jun 11, 2007 4:31:26 GMT -5
Goodevening Chaps and Chapesses.............. A rich Yorkshireman goes into a Jewellers and asks for a gold statue making of his dog, Eighteen carrot, says the jeweller, no says the Yorkshireman.... chewing a bone ... ;D ;D ;D Limey!! Good to see you - welcome to the Hideaway! Thanks and Hi BW.... think I got away with putting 18 Carrot instead of Carat... close thing though....
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Jun 17, 2007 10:23:28 GMT -5
Post by ChemChick on Jun 17, 2007 10:23:28 GMT -5
Just wanted to be reply #100! ;D
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Jun 17, 2007 16:31:29 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Jun 17, 2007 16:31:29 GMT -5
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
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deifan
Wolf Pack Cub
Posts - 20
Likes - 0
Joined - May 2007
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Jun 20, 2007 11:00:51 GMT -5
Post by deifan on Jun 20, 2007 11:00:51 GMT -5
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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Jun 29, 2007 18:31:22 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Jun 29, 2007 18:31:22 GMT -5
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed. "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."
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Jun 29, 2007 18:39:12 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Jun 29, 2007 18:39:12 GMT -5
:rofl:
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Jun 29, 2007 18:56:48 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Jun 29, 2007 18:56:48 GMT -5
thinks I knew that man :rofl:
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Jun 30, 2007 9:03:50 GMT -5
Post by divineness on Jun 30, 2007 9:03:50 GMT -5
Perhaps this should have been asked in California! > > > The latest telephone poll taken by the Texas Governor's office asked > whether people who > live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem > > 29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." > > 71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa." > >
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Jun 30, 2007 9:06:37 GMT -5
Post by divineness on Jun 30, 2007 9:06:37 GMT -5
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
?
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.??He says, "In
Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the Same one
twice".
?
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink with the same one twice either."
?
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi.
?
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she
?
says,
"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't
have to drink with the same ones twice."
?
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Jun 30, 2007 9:08:41 GMT -5
Post by divineness on Jun 30, 2007 9:08:41 GMT -5
A man had a terrible golf problem, so he went for a > lesson. > > Well, what should I do?", asked the man. > > "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like > you'd hold your wife's > breast." > > Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit > the ball > 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man > went back home > telling his wife the good news about his lesson, > and, the wife > couldn't wait for her lesson. > > The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro > watched her > swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the > club way too hard." > "What can I do?"asked "Hold the club gently, just > like you'd hold your > husband's penis." > > The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, > took a swing, > and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway > about 15 feet. > > "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," > the pro said. "Now,take > the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your > hands.." >
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Jul 3, 2007 14:24:13 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Jul 3, 2007 14:24:13 GMT -5
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
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Jul 3, 2007 16:24:17 GMT -5
Post by Expatriate on Jul 3, 2007 16:24:17 GMT -5
:lmao: :rofl:
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Jul 3, 2007 21:19:47 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Jul 3, 2007 21:19:47 GMT -5
*I rear ended a car a few days ago....... *
*I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!*
*The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!*
*He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"*
*So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"*
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Jul 4, 2007 10:43:21 GMT -5
Post by rowdeeace on Jul 4, 2007 10:43:21 GMT -5
:rofl:
That's funny, Sisser..
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Jul 6, 2007 17:55:55 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Jul 6, 2007 17:55:55 GMT -5
Spaghetti...
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she
confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he offered to pay her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post
card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange
for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused
wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card
today.""Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The
wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the
card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two
with meatballs, one without! Request bread..."
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Jul 7, 2007 7:37:48 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Jul 7, 2007 7:37:48 GMT -5
Good one sista, :lmao:
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Jul 7, 2007 7:43:25 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Jul 7, 2007 7:43:25 GMT -5
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
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Jul 7, 2007 7:46:27 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Jul 7, 2007 7:46:27 GMT -5
:lmao:
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Jul 8, 2007 8:50:29 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Jul 8, 2007 8:50:29 GMT -5
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...
it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving
103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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Jul 11, 2007 9:14:53 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Jul 11, 2007 9:14:53 GMT -5
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much
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Wolfman
HMFIC
Baddest Wolf
HHHOOOWWWLLLL
Posts - 4,781
Likes - 23
Joined - February 2005
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JOKES
Jul 12, 2007 17:38:53 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Jul 12, 2007 17:38:53 GMT -5
I haven't heard that one Sportster... that was so funny I almost fell off my chair... LOL
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