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JOKES
Jul 16, 2007 18:30:00 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Jul 16, 2007 18:30:00 GMT -5
You think men would learn
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?) "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
"I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Jul 16, 2007 22:12:00 GMT -5
Post by italianlady on Jul 16, 2007 22:12:00 GMT -5
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH Two cowboys walk into a restaurant, sit down and start enjoying a drink. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys walks up to her, looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no . . The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
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JOKES
Jul 16, 2007 22:26:15 GMT -5
Post by rena1987 on Jul 16, 2007 22:26:15 GMT -5
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JOKES
Jul 16, 2007 22:37:35 GMT -5
Post by italianlady on Jul 16, 2007 22:37:35 GMT -5
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia. To get the full effect of this, read aloud: ;D **************************************************** ***************************
>Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees." > >Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." > >RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??" > >G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." > >RS: "Ow July den?" > >G: "What??" > >RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" > >G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? > Sorry, scrambled please." > >RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" > >G: "Crisp will be fine." > >RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"> > >G: "What?" > >RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?" > >G: "I don't think so." > >RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" > >G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know > what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." > >RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? >Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" > >G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' > Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." > >RS: "We bodder?" > >G: "No...just put the bodder on the side." > >RS: "Wad?" > >G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." > >RS: "Copy?" > >G: "Excuse me?" > >RS: "Copy...tea...meel?" > >G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." > >RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, > Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??" > >G: "Whatever you say." > >RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." > >G : "You're very welcome." [LT:Eros Ramazzotti - Per Me Per Sempre]
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JOKES
Jul 17, 2007 18:52:02 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Jul 17, 2007 18:52:02 GMT -5
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
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JOKES
Jul 22, 2007 11:11:07 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Jul 22, 2007 11:11:07 GMT -5
Granny Driver > > >Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state >trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This >driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" > >So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he >notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and >three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously >confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact >speed limit. What seems to b e the problem?" the trooper trying to contain >a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed >limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for >pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is >everyone in this car OK? "These women seem awfully shaken." > >"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer, we just got off Route 127."
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JOKES
Jul 22, 2007 15:02:39 GMT -5
Post by cliff on Jul 22, 2007 15:02:39 GMT -5
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"
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JOKES
Jul 22, 2007 15:52:16 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Jul 22, 2007 15:52:16 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D
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JOKES
Jul 23, 2007 9:15:53 GMT -5
Post by cliff on Jul 23, 2007 9:15:53 GMT -5
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.
After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
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JOKES
Jul 23, 2007 9:17:10 GMT -5
Post by rowdeeace on Jul 23, 2007 9:17:10 GMT -5
Too funny, Cliff..
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JOKES
Aug 3, 2007 16:39:00 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Aug 3, 2007 16:39:00 GMT -5
A Mesican from the valley found himself in San Antonio and decided to approach a prostitute down on the River Walk. He asked her, "How mush do you
sharge for the hour?" "$100," she replied. "Do you do Mesican style?" he asked. Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.
He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Mesican style." Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I'll give you $500 to go Mesican style with me! What do you say?" Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from
weirdoes from all over the world. How kinky could Mesican style be?"
After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Mesican style' come in?" The Mesican popped open
a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Friday when I get my sheck."
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JOKES
Aug 4, 2007 8:31:19 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Aug 4, 2007 8:31:19 GMT -5
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JOKES
Aug 4, 2007 12:20:52 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Aug 4, 2007 12:20:52 GMT -5
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JOKES
Aug 7, 2007 21:58:04 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Aug 7, 2007 21:58:04 GMT -5
Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, He bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond
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JOKES
Aug 8, 2007 21:55:00 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Aug 8, 2007 21:55:00 GMT -5
LOL SJ - I'd settle for a ruby
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veggie090
Sir Puddin Tater!!!
Elite Wolf
[Mo0:25]
Posts - 7,161
Likes - 62
Joined - March 2007
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JOKES
Aug 10, 2007 15:25:02 GMT -5
Post by veggie090 on Aug 10, 2007 15:25:02 GMT -5
Two Leprechauns walk into a convent and go up to the head nun. One of the Leprechauns jumped up on her desk and inquired "Excuse me sister, do you have any nuns my size in your convent?" "No" she replied, "We don't have any nuns your size in our convent. "What about anywhere around here, do you have any nuns my size in the city?" "No" the nun replied again "Have you ever heard of a nun my size in the whole world?" the leprechaun continued, getting more impatient. "No" the nun said "there are no nuns your size in the entire world" The other leprechaun fell over laughing his arse off "I KNEW IT" he yelled "I TOLD YOU THAT WAS A PENGUIN YOU WAS F**CKING!"
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Aug 10, 2007 15:59:41 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Aug 10, 2007 15:59:41 GMT -5
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Aug 10, 2007 20:15:21 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Aug 10, 2007 20:15:21 GMT -5
Veggie oops where are my wings.. ahh here they are
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Aug 10, 2007 20:23:37 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Aug 10, 2007 20:23:37 GMT -5
The following are entries to a contest by "The Washington Post," in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem ...except that the last line had to be unromantic--as unromantic as the first line was romantic.
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot, This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other, That is, until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace, But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "Go to hell."
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
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JOKES
Aug 11, 2007 14:59:06 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Aug 11, 2007 14:59:06 GMT -5
Two Leprechauns walk into a convent and go up to the head nun. One of the Leprechauns jumped up on her desk and inquired "Excuse me sister, do you have any nuns my size in your convent?" "No" she replied, "We don't have any nuns your size in our convent. "What about anywhere around here, do you have any nuns my size in the city?" "No" the nun replied again "Have you ever heard of a nun my size in the whole world?" the leprechaun continued, getting more impatient. "No" the nun said "there are no nuns your size in the entire world" The other leprechaun fell over laughing his arse off "I KNEW IT" he yelled "I TOLD YOU THAT WAS A PENGUIN YOU WAS F**CKING!" Of course the sista's are sweet and innocent!
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JOKES
Aug 12, 2007 9:14:19 GMT -5
Post by cliff on Aug 12, 2007 9:14:19 GMT -5
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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JOKES
Aug 12, 2007 10:24:11 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Aug 12, 2007 10:24:11 GMT -5
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JOKES
Aug 19, 2007 16:55:47 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Aug 19, 2007 16:55:47 GMT -5
A cotton farmer, wanting to hoe his cotton field, called the Texas Employment Service in Lubbock. He told the unemployment person that he wanted to hire 20 hoers. The gal who answered his call was taken aback. She indignantly responded, "Sir, you don't mean prostitutes?" The farmer responded, "I don't care what religion they are. I just need hoers."
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Aug 19, 2007 16:58:57 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Aug 19, 2007 16:58:57 GMT -5
I think I applied for that job! ;D ;D ;D
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Aug 22, 2007 13:17:48 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Aug 22, 2007 13:17:48 GMT -5
Never been a hoer in my life - ain't gonna start now!
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JOKES
Aug 22, 2007 15:08:58 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Aug 22, 2007 15:08:58 GMT -5
THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH & EDNA
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day... While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead." Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"
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JOKES
Aug 22, 2007 15:43:27 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Aug 22, 2007 15:43:27 GMT -5
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veggie090
Sir Puddin Tater!!!
Elite Wolf
[Mo0:25]
Posts - 7,161
Likes - 62
Joined - March 2007
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JOKES
Aug 23, 2007 8:16:47 GMT -5
Post by veggie090 on Aug 23, 2007 8:16:47 GMT -5
Why are Peanuts afraid to go out at night? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . They are afraid they might be assualted,
;D
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JOKES
Aug 23, 2007 14:22:27 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Aug 23, 2007 14:22:27 GMT -5
GROOAANNN
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Aug 26, 2007 8:28:46 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Aug 26, 2007 8:28:46 GMT -5
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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