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JOKES
Apr 13, 2005 16:39:09 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Apr 13, 2005 16:39:09 GMT -5
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye".
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?"
"It was my first day with the hook"
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Apr 14, 2005 14:37:09 GMT -5
Post by kathylovesjesus56 on Apr 14, 2005 14:37:09 GMT -5
Subject: Flight to New York A beautiful blonde woman boards a flight to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then at the ones up ahead in first class. Deciding that the first class seats look much larger and far more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat. When the flight attendant checks her ticket, she tells the woman that her seat is in coach. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful," the blonde says, "and 'I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The flustered flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the captain about the problem she's having with the blonde. The captain goes back and tells the blonde her assigned seat is in coach and she'll have to move. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York," says the blonde. Not wanting to cause a commotion, the captain returns to the cockpit and discusses the blonde with his co-pilot. Since the co-pilot has a blonde girlfriend, he tells the captain he can take care of the situation. The co-pilot goes back to where the blonde is sitting and whispers something in her ear. She immediately gets up, hugs the co-pilot, says, "Thank you so much", and hurries back to her seat in the coach section. Observing all of this, the curious flight attendant and captain ask the co-pilot what he had said to the blonde. "I told her the first class section isn't going to New York," he replies.
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JOKES
Apr 14, 2005 14:41:14 GMT -5
Post by kathylovesjesus56 on Apr 14, 2005 14:41:14 GMT -5
Sad but true 9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the freeking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever freeking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?
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Apr 14, 2005 18:32:53 GMT -5
Post by LadyBlood on Apr 14, 2005 18:32:53 GMT -5
A friend of mine called a phone sex line and got a girl with a stutter.
He was charged 17,000 on the final bill.
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Apr 14, 2005 23:46:51 GMT -5
Post by gitpikker58 on Apr 14, 2005 23:46:51 GMT -5
I heard this a long time ago, but since I'm asthmatic I thought it was very funny:
I got an obscene phone call the other day, but running answere the caller brought on an asthma attack, so there were two people breathing heavily................
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Apr 18, 2005 12:48:19 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Apr 18, 2005 12:48:19 GMT -5
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ... and who are you?" he asked
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied,
"I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven"
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young" said Harry"If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately"
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own.."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad
"I want to return as a hen" Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow... then along came the rooster
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm" he said"How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up"
"Oh that!" said the rooster"That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can"
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Goodness sake wake up, you're sh!tting all over the bed!"
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JOKES
Apr 19, 2005 18:36:24 GMT -5
Post by kathylovesjesus56 on Apr 19, 2005 18:36:24 GMT -5
Good one, Geran!!! Kinda like when I have dreams I am pouring coffee and I am really peeing!? YIKES..... Run to the BR quick!!!!
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Apr 20, 2005 0:34:21 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Apr 20, 2005 0:34:21 GMT -5
T M I
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Apr 20, 2005 9:36:36 GMT -5
Post by LadyBlood on Apr 20, 2005 9:36:36 GMT -5
Wow.... yeah.
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Apr 20, 2005 9:56:41 GMT -5
Post by gitpikker58 on Apr 20, 2005 9:56:41 GMT -5
A, B, C D mice? O L, M N O mice! O, S M R mice! C M E D B D I's? A, F U N E M? S, V F M. OK, F U N E X? S, V F X 2 O K N, I F M N X. Who says this? O I C U R M T!!! A drunk looking inside the bottom of an empty bottle.
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Apr 23, 2005 20:58:19 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Apr 23, 2005 20:58:19 GMT -5
"Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development," says the teacher. At the end of the class, the she asks that all the little girls to remain behind for 5 minutes.
The teacher begins: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room."
Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita." Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Suzie!" Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home." Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks: "Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home." Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel." As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave, Little Johnny says, "Hey relax you little whores, it hasn't opened yet!"
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Apr 24, 2005 2:22:08 GMT -5
Post by LadyBlood on Apr 24, 2005 2:22:08 GMT -5
A man gos into a local pub with three ducks in his arms. Placing them on the bartop, ,he orders an ale and proceeds to amble to the bathroom.
The tender, being a polite sort, pours the ale and sets it next to the ducks. "Good afternoon sir," he says to the first. "What my your name be?"
"My name is Heuy," said the first duck.
"Bravo! And how have you been this lovely day?"
"Oh, you know, can't complain. Been in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender chuckled to himself and greeted the second duck. "And what my your name be little master?"
"My name is Dewy," the second duck piped cheerily.
"Flawless! And how has your day been?"
"Can't complain, my friend. Been in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender laughed softly again as he tirned to the third duck. "I can only assume your name is Louie."
The third duck looked at him angrily and snapped at him in return. "No it's not, it's Puddles, and don't ask me how my effing day was!"
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JOKES
Apr 25, 2005 13:22:28 GMT -5
Post by LadyBlood on Apr 25, 2005 13:22:28 GMT -5
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following
results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in sperm - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, What can you learn from this demonstration.
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms
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May 3, 2005 13:45:18 GMT -5
Post by Chris on May 3, 2005 13:45:18 GMT -5
Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell. AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day. AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet. AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...........they are called managers.
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JOKES
May 10, 2005 8:26:59 GMT -5
Post by terrye on May 10, 2005 8:26:59 GMT -5
A husband and his wife had a horrific argument. Both had not been speaking to each other for days and days. Both would be damned before they would be the first to speak. The husband realized he had a very important meeting at work coming up the next day and he would need to be up much earlier than usual to prepare for the meeting. As he usually awoke by the alarm on regular work days, he had always depended on her to awake him at the early hours. He thought long and hard about how to ask her, tried to do many things to cause her to speak first. Then it dawned on him. He politely wrote, "Honey, I have an important meeting in the morning, would you please wake me up at 5am so I can prepare." He placed the note on her nightstand and went to sleep. He awoke at the usual time, saw it was very light outside and realized she did not wake him up. "Damn it, why didn't you wake me up, now I'm late for work" he yelled at her. She pointed to his nightstand. The hand written note said : "Honey, it's 5am, you need to wake up".
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JOKES
May 12, 2005 5:00:49 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on May 12, 2005 5:00:49 GMT -5
A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."
He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f**k her again."
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May 28, 2005 11:42:33 GMT -5
Post by Chris on May 28, 2005 11:42:33 GMT -5
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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Wolfman
HMFIC
Baddest Wolf
HHHOOOWWWLLLL
Posts - 4,781
Likes - 23
Joined - February 2005
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JOKES
Jun 5, 2005 11:31:35 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Jun 5, 2005 11:31:35 GMT -5
Little Janie was in the garden with her father looking at the flowers and she seen two spiders mating. "What kind of spider is that on top Daddy?" "That is a Daddy Longlegs darling." "Is that a Mama Longlegs on bottom? "No dear, that is a Daddy Longlegs also." Janie takes her foot and stomps on the spiders. "Janie," says Dad, "What did you do that for?" "Cause we're not going to have that kinda shit going on in our garden!" she replied.
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Jun 5, 2005 15:37:00 GMT -5
Post by gitpikker58 on Jun 5, 2005 15:37:00 GMT -5
"Homoarachniphobia"?
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Jun 5, 2005 20:18:39 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Jun 5, 2005 20:18:39 GMT -5
The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received but the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeants penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Sergeant smugly replied... "Vietnam."
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JOKES
Jun 12, 2005 14:29:29 GMT -5
Post by Kimera on Jun 12, 2005 14:29:29 GMT -5
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized."I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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JOKES
Jun 12, 2005 14:33:55 GMT -5
Post by Kimera on Jun 12, 2005 14:33:55 GMT -5
(and just because)
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,"he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time theape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars,did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food allover the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
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JOKES
Jun 16, 2005 2:31:12 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Jun 16, 2005 2:31:12 GMT -5
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted...
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JOKES
Jun 16, 2005 13:36:10 GMT -5
Post by LadyBlood on Jun 16, 2005 13:36:10 GMT -5
A very, very straight man walked into a gay bar without realizing it until it was too late. The man thought to himself, as he akwardly sat on the sparkling bar stool, how he was extremely thirsty.
He decided he would casually have a beer and then get the hell out of there. He waved down the bartender and asked for a beer.
"Sure I'll get you a beer honey, what's the name of your penis?"
"I'm sorry?" the man coughed.
The bartender grinned shewdly. "I'm not getting you a beer until you tell me the name of your penis."
The straight man looked shocked, but managed to stammer out a question. "Well... what's the name of yours?"
"It's Ford," the bartender replied. "Have you driven a Ford today?"
The straight man was more than slightly disturbed by this. As the bartender moved on to help another customer, he turned to the man to his right. "What's the name of your penis?"
"Snickers," stated the regular as he set down his drink and smiled at the newcomer. "It really satifies!"
Once again, the visitor was inwardly repulsed. Remaining cool, he asked the same question to the man on his right.
"Nike," he answered. "Just do it."
Repulsed yet again, the straight man thought as he sat silently. Surrounded by homosexuals whom by now had got on he wasn't one of them, he felt like a fish out of water.
Suddenly he grinned widely and waved down the bartender. He ordered a beer again.
"And what's the name of your penis honey?" he tender asked.
"Secret," the new guest replied proudly.
"Oh really? Why is it called that?"
"Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"
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JOKES
Jun 18, 2005 3:43:25 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Jun 18, 2005 3:43:25 GMT -5
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing... "A jazz chord... to say... I ruv you..."
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JOKES
Jun 29, 2005 13:29:03 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Jun 29, 2005 13:29:03 GMT -5
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone that there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton, "his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"
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Jun 29, 2005 14:05:23 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Jun 29, 2005 14:05:23 GMT -5
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
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JOKES
Jul 6, 2005 3:01:39 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Jul 6, 2005 3:01:39 GMT -5
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
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My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
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A city boy named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey to him the next day. But the next day, the farmer drove up in his old truck and told Kenny, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died. Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just bring me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.00." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
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JOKES
Jul 22, 2005 3:18:55 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Jul 22, 2005 3:18:55 GMT -5
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
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JOKES
Jul 24, 2005 3:26:36 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Jul 24, 2005 3:26:36 GMT -5
"When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! " The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.
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