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JOKES
Jul 27, 2005 12:59:37 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Jul 27, 2005 12:59:37 GMT -5
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit." Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?" "Well ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir, what size?" "Size 53 ... tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes." "What size?" "Size 15 ... double D." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes sir, what size?" "Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all." Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?" "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches." She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"
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Jul 27, 2005 14:08:14 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Jul 27, 2005 14:08:14 GMT -5
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a drunken state. He explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM! Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
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Wolfman
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Aug 9, 2005 22:05:43 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Aug 9, 2005 22:05:43 GMT -5
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says...................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."
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Wolfman
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Aug 10, 2005 20:27:07 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Aug 10, 2005 20:27:07 GMT -5
The Horse and the Chicken
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, she searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley motorcycle. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping she still had time to save her friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, she too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save her life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift her out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled her up and out, saving her life.
The moral of the story? ....... (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks
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Aug 14, 2005 14:55:44 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Aug 14, 2005 14:55:44 GMT -5
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
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Wolfman
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Sept 1, 2005 6:54:54 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Sept 1, 2005 6:54:54 GMT -5
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.
"Does that feel better?", she asked.
"Ohhh, Yeah....It feels *really* great", he replied, "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"
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Wolfman
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Sept 5, 2005 11:36:46 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Sept 5, 2005 11:36:46 GMT -5
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"
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Wolfman
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Sept 19, 2005 22:04:18 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Sept 19, 2005 22:04:18 GMT -5
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurt look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence - -
HUSBAND:
Shit!
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Oct 21, 2005 22:19:09 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Oct 21, 2005 22:19:09 GMT -5
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So they walked up and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... you see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding," he said, "thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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Oct 28, 2005 10:37:39 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Oct 28, 2005 10:37:39 GMT -5
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician; the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
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Nov 3, 2005 3:33:01 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Nov 3, 2005 3:33:01 GMT -5
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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Dec 8, 2005 5:53:23 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Dec 8, 2005 5:53:23 GMT -5
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly. "No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!" And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those fucking Indians!'"
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Wolfman
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Dec 11, 2005 14:43:22 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Dec 11, 2005 14:43:22 GMT -5
Jimmy Olsen: "Superman, tell me, what is the most erotic thing you have ever seen when you were flying through Metropolis?"
"Well Jimmy, the best thing I have ever seen was Lois Lane on top of her penthouse apartment sunbathing in the nude and moving her pelvis up and down in a very suggestive manner!"
"Wow, what did you do when you seen that Superman?"
Well Jimmy, I just swooped right down on top of her and started making love."
"Oh man, I bet she was really suprised wasn't she?"
"Yes she was Jimmy, but not nearly as suprised as the invisible man, he is never going to walk again!"
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Dec 16, 2005 19:55:16 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Dec 16, 2005 19:55:16 GMT -5
Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my nuts inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my boys unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"
The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his daks, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his balls unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the bloody beer bottle!!"
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JOKES
Dec 18, 2005 1:11:00 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Dec 18, 2005 1:11:00 GMT -5
I felt like laughing at all the jokes.
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Wolfman
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Dec 18, 2005 23:27:19 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Dec 18, 2005 23:27:19 GMT -5
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He would toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out, but only succeeded to push it in deeper He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, they got worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing, and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
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Wolfman
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Feb 6, 2006 13:37:15 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Feb 6, 2006 13:37:15 GMT -5
Toilet Pain
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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Mar 2, 2006 1:58:53 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Mar 2, 2006 1:58:53 GMT -5
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears the whistle, "Whooee Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened, and asks the man from the desert, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
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Mar 12, 2006 20:22:13 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Mar 12, 2006 20:22:13 GMT -5
The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; "Don't reject the guy outright." So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!"
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Mar 19, 2006 19:59:59 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Mar 19, 2006 19:59:59 GMT -5
For you Texans here... So... Most everyone:
A Texan Is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born. The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
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Mar 26, 2006 4:41:37 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Mar 26, 2006 4:41:37 GMT -5
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up - she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine... it was the crowd. What the hell is a piƱata ??!!!"
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Wolfman
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May 24, 2006 17:28:39 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on May 24, 2006 17:28:39 GMT -5
The couple have been married for many years. Their relationship has gotten kind of stale. The wife decides that it is time to broaden her horizons. She starts taking classes at the local college. She becomes a feminist. Basically what we used to call a womens libber. One day she comes home from her classes and her husband is sitting in the living room reading the paper. She steps into the room, rips her shirt off and throws it into the floor. Then she rips her bra off and throws it into the floor also. The husband looks up and says, "My, you are a beautiful woman!" "What?" she exclaims, "why did you say that? We have been married for 35 years and you have never said that." "I said it because you are a beautiful woman," he says."Why now?" she says, "After all these years, why would you say something like that now?" "Well,"he says, "When you came into the room, you ripped off your shirt and that got my attention. Then you ripped off your bra and I could not take my eyes off of you. Your breasts fell down and pulled all of the wrinkles out of your face and that is when I realized, You are a beautiful woman!"
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Aug 1, 2006 23:30:36 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Aug 1, 2006 23:30:36 GMT -5
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows, and then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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JOKES
Aug 20, 2006 1:40:10 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Aug 20, 2006 1:40:10 GMT -5
Three Indians (Native Americans for the politically correct) were living together out in the wilds of the Old West. Two of them were average, intelligent Indians. The other... Well, to be frank, he wasn't the sharpest arrow in the quiver.
Now these three Indians decided to take turns every few days going out and hunting for food. One of the Indians went out, and after many hours returned with the slain body of a deer. It was a fine feast and the meat lasted for days. The dumber Indian asked his friend, "How you find deer?" To which the hunter replied, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find deer."
Once the meat was finished off, the next Indian set off. He returned hours later with another great deer that would again feed them for days. Again, the moron asked, "How you find deer?" And again he was told, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find deer."
So at last it was the idiot's turn to bring back food. He set out for the day, and when night had come around, and he still had not returned, his friends had grown quite worried. Before they could go out searching for him, however, he did finally appear. He was dragging himself along the ground, bruised and bleeding, one leg completely missing and one arm close to joining it. He was in horrible shape and obviously would not last much longer. The other Indians had to know and asked, "What happen you?"
He replied, "Me find tracks... Me follow tracks... Me find train..."
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JOKES
Jan 3, 2007 4:37:32 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Jan 3, 2007 4:37:32 GMT -5
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'
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Wolfman
HMFIC
Baddest Wolf
HHHOOOWWWLLLL
Posts - 4,781
Likes - 23
Joined - February 2005
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JOKES
Mar 25, 2007 10:42:56 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Mar 25, 2007 10:42:56 GMT -5
bumping this topic up
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Mar 25, 2007 12:19:36 GMT -5
Post by Chris on Mar 25, 2007 12:19:36 GMT -5
If you're going to bump it, do so with a contribution, ye Wolf!
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Your Wife
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Mar 25, 2007 13:00:53 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Mar 25, 2007 13:00:53 GMT -5
Exercise for Older Adults
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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Mar 25, 2007 13:34:55 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Mar 25, 2007 13:34:55 GMT -5
;D ;D
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Mar 26, 2007 10:56:29 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Mar 26, 2007 10:56:29 GMT -5
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off .... Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
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