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JOKES
Mar 26, 2007 17:45:25 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Mar 26, 2007 17:45:25 GMT -5
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles...."
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JOKES
Mar 26, 2007 18:23:34 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Mar 26, 2007 18:23:34 GMT -5
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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JOKES
Mar 26, 2007 18:25:55 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Mar 26, 2007 18:25:55 GMT -5
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "Giiirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you."
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JOKES
Mar 28, 2007 10:34:56 GMT -5
Post by Terrye on Mar 28, 2007 10:34:56 GMT -5
A Tennessee Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn, and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
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JOKES
Mar 29, 2007 18:54:43 GMT -5
Post by Terrye on Mar 29, 2007 18:54:43 GMT -5
Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy- Bob for advice.
"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos- about two sizes too little and drop a fist- sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...ya'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist- sized potato. Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning way, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy- Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Lard- Almighty!" said Billy- Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"
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JOKES
Apr 3, 2007 20:55:59 GMT -5
Post by divineness on Apr 3, 2007 20:55:59 GMT -5
Broke Back Mountain Lady
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday nigh t.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!" -------------------------------
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JOKES
Apr 3, 2007 21:41:21 GMT -5
Post by ladeebluz on Apr 3, 2007 21:41:21 GMT -5
LMAO Miss D you've bee missed...I never say the ending to this one coming lol
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JOKES
Apr 4, 2007 19:26:37 GMT -5
Post by divineness on Apr 4, 2007 19:26:37 GMT -5
This one IS funny....LOL The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
" This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL : Women are evil
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JOKES
Apr 4, 2007 19:28:27 GMT -5
Post by divineness on Apr 4, 2007 19:28:27 GMT -5
I'll soon be back raisin hell and posting with everybody. I am in the middle of a job change, kinfolk drama, and too many boyfriend issues to EVEN go into!
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JOKES
Apr 4, 2007 20:23:19 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Apr 4, 2007 20:23:19 GMT -5
I can hardly wait till we find out miss d....
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JOKES
Apr 4, 2007 21:13:50 GMT -5
Post by ladeebluz on Apr 4, 2007 21:13:50 GMT -5
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here"
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now."
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JOKES
Apr 5, 2007 8:43:06 GMT -5
Post by Pioneer Spirit on Apr 5, 2007 8:43:06 GMT -5
The Senior's Breakfast Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.
"YES!!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once! ;D
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JOKES
Apr 25, 2007 17:03:40 GMT -5
Post by rowdeeace on Apr 25, 2007 17:03:40 GMT -5
A very gentle Texas Lady was driving across a very high bridge in southwest Texas one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of the Alamo ."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, you just go ahead and jump....... You Damn Yankee!!!
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JOKES
Apr 26, 2007 12:13:20 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Apr 26, 2007 12:13:20 GMT -5
:rofl: Rowdee now that was a dang good one!
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JOKES
Apr 27, 2007 0:44:37 GMT -5
Post by italianlady on Apr 27, 2007 0:44:37 GMT -5
Charm ======
Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from Texas) were conversing on the porch swing of a large white- pillared mansion.
The first woman, who was not from Texas said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Land sakes child what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'who gives a shit,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
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JOKES
Apr 27, 2007 8:56:53 GMT -5
Post by rowdeeace on Apr 27, 2007 8:56:53 GMT -5
:rofl:
Excellent, Italianlady..
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Wolfman
HMFIC
Baddest Wolf
HHHOOOWWWLLLL
Posts - 4,781
Likes - 23
Joined - February 2005
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JOKES
May 2, 2007 6:28:39 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on May 2, 2007 6:28:39 GMT -5
A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER "T". EXAMPLES OF THOSE DAYS ARE AS FOLLOWS: TUESDAY THURSDAY TODAY TOMORROW THANKSGIVING THATURDAY THUNDAY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS: 5% SAID IT WAS TO G ET A GLASS OF WATER 12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM 83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT..... YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES...... YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50? NUDITY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? ABOUT 45 LBS. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND? ABOUT 45 MINUTES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART? THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO? A NORTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE. A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF TH E ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM? ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT.......... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE? A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS "ONCE UPON A TIME....." AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS........... "Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS **** ."
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JOKES
May 2, 2007 11:34:35 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on May 2, 2007 11:34:35 GMT -5
Wolfie!! A whole segment of male bashing? I love it!! ;D
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JOKES
May 2, 2007 22:10:43 GMT -5
Post by ladeebluz on May 2, 2007 22:10:43 GMT -5
Thanks for the giggles Wolf .. a few of those I hadn't heard
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JOKES
May 3, 2007 11:56:45 GMT -5
Post by sisser on May 3, 2007 11:56:45 GMT -5
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... -eyed." The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
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JOKES
May 3, 2007 12:05:50 GMT -5
Post by Pioneer Spirit on May 3, 2007 12:05:50 GMT -5
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JOKES
May 6, 2007 13:13:36 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on May 6, 2007 13:13:36 GMT -5
Subject: TOUGH OLD COWBOY
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE,THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103.
WHEN HE DIED, HE LEFT 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT GREAT GRANDCHILDREN AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.....
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JOKES
May 11, 2007 18:40:36 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on May 11, 2007 18:40:36 GMT -5
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a "new file" on your computer. 2. Name it, "Hillary Rodham Clinton." 3. Send it to the "trash". 4. Empty the "trash". 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of 'Hillary Rodham Clinton'? 6. Firmly click "Yes." 7. Feel better?
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
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JOKES
May 15, 2007 10:59:25 GMT -5
Post by hotrodwife on May 15, 2007 10:59:25 GMT -5
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded Biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bikes parked over there", And points to a Harley in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last Question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, Nope...but I was swung around by the nipples once."
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JOKES
May 15, 2007 17:01:44 GMT -5
Post by sisser on May 15, 2007 17:01:44 GMT -5
> DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY! I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting... > In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. > Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. > Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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JOKES
May 15, 2007 22:37:06 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on May 15, 2007 22:37:06 GMT -5
:bitchslap:
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JOKES
May 16, 2007 13:43:09 GMT -5
Post by sisser on May 16, 2007 13:43:09 GMT -5
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JOKES
May 16, 2007 16:00:53 GMT -5
Post by ziveraustos on May 16, 2007 16:00:53 GMT -5
For those who don't know.... mar·tyr (mär'ter) n. 1. One who chooses to suffer death rather than renounce religious principles.
Now for the joke....
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohammed...he's a martyr. This is my second son, Hachmed. He is a martyr also." After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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JOKES
May 19, 2007 9:58:29 GMT -5
Post by rowdeeace on May 19, 2007 9:58:29 GMT -5
:rofl: :rofl:
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JOKES
May 29, 2007 14:29:14 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on May 29, 2007 14:29:14 GMT -5
After Chelsea returned from a date,
Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and
she thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"
Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."
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