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Sept 3, 2007 7:09:01 GMT -5
Post by cliff on Sept 3, 2007 7:09:01 GMT -5
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
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Sept 3, 2007 13:23:28 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Sept 3, 2007 13:23:28 GMT -5
LOL Cliffe - I loved the stamp line the best ...... Where the heck have you been??
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Sept 3, 2007 15:23:47 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Sept 3, 2007 15:23:47 GMT -5
Brandy are we going to call you Timex? ;D
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Sept 3, 2007 15:30:16 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Sept 3, 2007 15:30:16 GMT -5
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Sept 3, 2007 15:32:03 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Sept 3, 2007 15:32:03 GMT -5
Vanilla Pudding Robbery
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
"...Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach." The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
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Sept 3, 2007 19:29:00 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Sept 3, 2007 19:29:00 GMT -5
Brandy are we going to call you Timex? ;D
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Sept 3, 2007 19:40:57 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Sept 3, 2007 19:40:57 GMT -5
Brandy Dandy.....love it...you are the greatest....LOL.... ;D
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Sept 3, 2007 19:56:14 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Sept 3, 2007 19:56:14 GMT -5
Awwww, SJ - I love you too!
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Sept 3, 2007 21:43:01 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Sept 3, 2007 21:43:01 GMT -5
A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch Doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we have long names, while The white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex, Sam...
His father replied, "Look, son,our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?
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Sept 3, 2007 23:44:57 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Sept 3, 2007 23:44:57 GMT -5
LOL sj- you can't be too careful .....
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Sept 5, 2007 4:06:48 GMT -5
Post by David Atkins on Sept 5, 2007 4:06:48 GMT -5
THE 7 KINDS OF SEX
SMURF SEX: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
KITCHEN SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
BEDROOM SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
HALLWAY SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "fuck you."
RELIGIOUS SEX: Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
COURTROOM SEX: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least...
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on. [LT:Firehouse - Body Language]
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Sept 5, 2007 10:24:18 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Sept 5, 2007 10:24:18 GMT -5
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... * * * * * * * * * * * * "CELEBRATE !!!"
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Sept 9, 2007 12:35:34 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Sept 9, 2007 12:35:34 GMT -5
LOL SJ - that'll learn 'em to double check!
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Sept 11, 2007 11:48:53 GMT -5
Post by flugravy on Sept 11, 2007 11:48:53 GMT -5
Sorry folks, I just couldn't resist: ;D
Cyanide Lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Sept 11, 2007 11:50:31 GMT -5
Post by flugravy on Sept 11, 2007 11:50:31 GMT -5
I don't know how these got put into the "news" section..sorry, y'all.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ok, just one more:
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet ... After a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.
A year later they got together. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I ate at McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of beer. How about you?"
The second man replied, "F*ck you, towel head!"
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Sept 11, 2007 12:03:40 GMT -5
Post by gremlin on Sept 11, 2007 12:03:40 GMT -5
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Sept 12, 2007 9:56:59 GMT -5
Post by rowdeeace on Sept 12, 2007 9:56:59 GMT -5
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Sept 16, 2007 20:38:31 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Sept 16, 2007 20:38:31 GMT -5
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "That the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?""
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition Because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
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Sept 16, 2007 23:21:09 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Sept 16, 2007 23:21:09 GMT -5
good one SJ
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Sept 17, 2007 13:01:43 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Sept 17, 2007 13:01:43 GMT -5
SJ, that one has actually happened to me .....
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Sept 18, 2007 19:45:49 GMT -5
Post by cliff on Sept 18, 2007 19:45:49 GMT -5
Rich & Ed were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Rich said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Ed says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and wouldn't you know, they got completely smashed.
The next morning Rich wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Ed.
Ed says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Rich says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Ed says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Rich says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing...."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver!"
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Sept 23, 2007 20:08:41 GMT -5
Post by reinagirl on Sept 23, 2007 20:08:41 GMT -5
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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Sept 26, 2007 18:38:06 GMT -5
Post by jackstx on Sept 26, 2007 18:38:06 GMT -5
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
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Sept 26, 2007 23:12:06 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Sept 26, 2007 23:12:06 GMT -5
Jacks!!! Just WHY are you making fun of your Aunt Brandy??
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Sept 27, 2007 16:16:28 GMT -5
Post by jackstx on Sept 27, 2007 16:16:28 GMT -5
Who??
;D
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Wolfman
HMFIC
Baddest Wolf
HHHOOOWWWLLLL
Posts - 4,781
Likes - 23
Joined - February 2005
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JOKES
Sept 27, 2007 17:23:16 GMT -5
Post by Wolfman on Sept 27, 2007 17:23:16 GMT -5
Old man and old woman were having breakfast. Woman "Remember when we were young, we would get up and have breakfast together naked. Think we could still do that Pa? Man. "We could do that Edna."
Next morning, they are sitting there naked, having breakfast and she says, "Oh baby, you are making my titties hot... they are so hot... you have got my titties burning hot...!"
"Dang it Edna!" he cried, "You got your titty in your coffee.... Damnit Edna, the other one is in your oatmeal!!!"
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Sept 27, 2007 17:31:14 GMT -5
Post by sisser on Sept 27, 2007 17:31:14 GMT -5
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Sept 28, 2007 16:14:42 GMT -5
Post by sportsjunky on Sept 28, 2007 16:14:42 GMT -5
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG BED AND A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES!
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tinkerbell
Wolf
Stinkerbell[Mo0:0]
Posts - 79
Likes - 0
Joined - March 2007
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Sept 28, 2007 16:22:14 GMT -5
Post by tinkerbell on Sept 28, 2007 16:22:14 GMT -5
LOL
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Sept 29, 2007 13:24:29 GMT -5
Post by brandywine on Sept 29, 2007 13:24:29 GMT -5
I forgot .... how soon do you need to know?
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